Not Wanting Kids Doesn’t Make Me Selfish

Selfish, uncaring, self-absorbed, damaged, insensitive, greedy. This is what I’m labeled when I express my decision not to have children.

I have been saying this for a few years now, but people still don’t take me seriously. “You’ll eventually change your mind”, they say.

My mom thought I’d reconsider it when I had a stable, committed relationship. But I met someone with whom I share an amazing, magical connection, and he doesn’t want to have kids either. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now, we can totally see ourselves together for the rest of our lives, but not with kids.

It’s funny, because he doesn’t get the same reactions as me. I feel like for men, not wanting kids is a perfectly normal choice. Successful child-free men are seen as independent, self-sufficient and career-hungry, in a positive way. Whereas a child-free woman is seen as not woman enough.

“The system that says child-free women are selfish is the same system that tells mothers that the only way to properly take care of their children is to run themselves into the ground with no help from anyone else, as anything less would be selfish and catastrophic to their kids. We don’t need to buy it, just to prove that we’re normal.”

Gabrielle Moss, in 5 Reasons Choosing Not To Have Kids Isn’t Selfish

I find it interesting that the worst reactions usually come from women.

“What are you going to do when you’re old and alone?”

“You say that now, but you’ll regret it later”

“What a bad decision”

“I’m sure you’ll eventually change your mind”

Why are childless women expected to change their minds? Why does our decision receive so much judgement? Why can’t society cope with our choice?

I don’t remember ever wanting children. I have always felt that having kids would somehow put my life on hold. And honestly, the idea of having human beings so dependent on me makes me feel extremely uneasy.

You know what I can’t stand the most? The idea that motherhood is what defines me as a woman.

Don’t take me wrong, I love kids. I love playing with them. My partner is still a kid at heart, which gives him a special talent and patience to interact with children. They always love him, no matter what he does.

But being a parent is not just about playing. It’s a full-time responsibility that would require all my energy and dedication. When you have children, life has to change. Inevitably, you have to give some stuff up. I’m not ready for that, and I don’t think I ever will be.

If you bring life into the world, you have to devote yourself to it.

Let’s be honest: the world would be a better place if adults who don’t want children or feel like they would not be good parents, would just not have any. There would be a lot less neglected, unwanted and even abused kids who don’t deserve the parents they have.

I want to follow my dreams. I want to devote myself to the causes I feel passionate about. I want to have the freedom to travel whenever I want to. I want to get to know this fascinating world we live in, and fall in love with it over and over again.

A life free of children can still have deep fulfillment. I don’t need kids to experience joy, gratitude or to feel like I have a purpose in life. I can still actively contribute to society.

But there’s something about a woman not wanting kids that is threatening. Since we’re born, we’re told the ultimate achievement we can reach is being a mother. This means that we’re seen as a threat because we’re rejecting the traditional role we were supposed to be following.

You know what I can’t stand the most? The idea that motherhood is what defines me as a woman.

“Several recent studies point to an increased social acceptance of women who choose to remain child-free in societies with greater gender parity. In other words, the larger the space women can occupy, the more opportunity there is for a variety of life choices for women. In places where women have greater power, there is less policing of the role of mother and room for a more inclusive view of how to be a woman.”

Zoë Krupka, in Child-free: Why Women Who Choose Not To Have Kids Are Given Such A Hard Time

Besides, I don’t understand how people go on about how painful childbirth is and what a complete struggle and sacrifice raising children is, but judge people for not wanting it.

Yes, there are many positive aspects to it. But I shouldn’t be judged by not wanting to endure the negatives, especially if I don’t even value the positives.

In movies, books and social media, child-free women are unrepresented. Women are always the ones who nurture, the ones who have to sacrifice themselves in order to care for everyone.

At the end of the day, being a parent should be a personal, conscious decision, not something you do to please everyone or to follow society’s rules.

You want to have kids? Great. I respect your choice, so please respect my choice not to have any. It’s a two-way street.

I don’t have to be a mother in order to be a true woman.

I’m much more than that.

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