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How to find greater security and leave your insecurities behind.

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Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

If you’ve clicked on this article, chances are you have already identified your attachment style as anxious. Congrats! Not everyone is willing to look at their emotional wounds and be honest with themselves.

As you know, it’s not easy to navigate relationships when you have an anxious attachment style. You’re constantly looking for signs of rejection and you can’t effectively communicate your needs — instead, you use protest behavior like withdrawing or keeping score (more into that later!).

I’ve been there. I was incapable of having a normal, healthy, secure relationship. …

We have normalized our fear of intimacy — but we can’t run away from it forever.

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Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

What do you associate love with? Is it pain? Is it fear? Is it anxiety? And where do your ideas about love come from?

Many of us associate love with suffering due to our past relationship experiences. If we’ve been cheated on, if we’ve been through a painful break-up or if we’ve been emotionally abused by someone who was supposed to love us, love can be terrifying.

Sometimes, we haven’t even had a relationship — our parents’ marriage was so unstable and hostile that we created the belief that love was not safe.

Whatever you perceive love to be, your beliefs are always the result of your experiences. They’re not necessarily true. …

Everything the child within us needs to hear.

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Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

Connecting with my inner child has been a huge part of my life for over a year now. Without it, I’d still have lots of memories to heal and lots of suppressed emotions that I had never allowed myself to feel.

Telling what your inner child needs to hear is incredibly powerful, especially if you were not given the love and acceptance you should have been given by your parents or primary caretakers.

As children, we can’t identify what’s wrong. We can’t tell if our parents are good or bad — we just love them the way they are, and all we want is to be loved back. However, if we can’t emotionally engage them, meaning, if we have emotionally immature parents, we’ll feel like something’s wrong. …

#3 You’re worrying less about impressing others and more about doing what’s right for you.

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Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

Many of us have developed an identity, a role that we continuously play in order to be accepted and stay in our comfort zone. Unfortunately, we rarely stop to question if this role is really who we are.

What most of us don’t know, or try to ignore, is that our true self is right beneath the surface, waiting for us to wake up.

Our true self doesn’t care about others’ expectation, or about what society considers to be normal. It just wants us to grow and flourish. …

#1 The main problem is that you have different intimacy needs.

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Photo by Sinitta Leunen on Unsplash

Push-pull relationships can drive you crazy. They affect your self-esteem and mental health in so many ways, and you never really know what’s going to happen.

One day your partner tells you they love you and everything’s running smoothly. Then they start getting distant and you can’t understand what has gone wrong. If you’re in this type of relationship, you know how complicated it can be — especially if you’re the one who’s pushed away.

I’ve experienced this emotional roller coaster for many years and I know how miserable it can make you feel.

It’s important to mention that not all push-pull relationships are the same, and it all depends on your attachment styles. If you’re both anxious-avoidant, it means you both have the same intimacy needs as well as the same fears. …

We all need it. If you think you don’t, you’re just lying to yourself.

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Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

I’ve spent many years telling myself how good it was to be independent and self-sufficient. Emotional intimacy? Yeah right, I’ll pass.

Looking back now, it’s clear to me how miserable I was during this phase of my life. I kept trying to convince myself that my self-reliance was my best trait, but deep down I was craving deep, intimate, meaningful connections.

My life was filled with superficial interactions and random conversations because I associated detachment with independence and independence with maturity. But is it really that mature to close yourself off to life? …

Instead, use it as a tool to get to now yourself better and build real, meaningful connections.

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Photo by Annette Sousa on Unsplash

One of the reasons why I write a lot about relationships is because I know what it’s like to feel hopeless and misunderstood. I know what it’s like to constantly push love away, yet crave it at the same time.

It’s incredibly difficult to get in touch with the deepest parts of ourselves and recognize why we are the way we are, or why we feel the way we feel.

For many years, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t simply get into normal, healthy, secure relationships. …

It took me years to realize my self-reliance stemmed from unhealed wounds.

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Photo by Zachary Young on Unsplash

I used to pride myself on my independence. Why would I want to rely on anybody else? People always end up hurting you, abandoning you or betraying you. That’s just how life works — or so I thought.

Now, I can see things more clearly. This way of thinking is not only untrue, it’s actually quite sad. And it’s always, always rooted in some deep-seated trauma that we haven’t addressed.

Trauma doesn’t have to stem from extreme situations. …

The dark night of the soul is real.

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Photo by Boxed Water Is Better on Unsplash

I’ve been going through this super strange, confusing, deeply painful phase for almost a year now, where I feel like I’m on the edge of a massive transformation but not sure how to make the leap.

I’ve become aware of my subconscious conditioning and unhealthy emotional patterns, but I haven’t been able to fully let them go yet. And I’ve gained clarity on what I want for my life, but I’m not there yet.

I’ve also lost most of the friends I had, but I don’t miss them. …

If you’ve been carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, this one’s for you.

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Photo by Alex Jones on Unsplash

Over the past few months, I’ve noticed how much time I spend worrying about disappointing others — particularly my family.

What will they think? Will they support me? Will they approve my choices? Will they understand my perspective? Am I going to let them down?

I realized that my fear of disappointing people has its roots in my childhood. As a child, I felt unloved and unaccepted whenever I disappointed my parents. I only felt loved when I’d follow their rules and act according to their standards and expectations.

I eventually learned that it was my duty to please everyone and carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. My needs and wants didn’t matter, as long as everyone around me was happy. …

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